who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
