She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
