her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
