I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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