dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
