What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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