I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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