Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
