Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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