Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
