Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
