I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
