Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
