Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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