my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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