nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize