My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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