So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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