I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
