"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
