I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
