If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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