he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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