I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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