does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
