He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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