Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
