proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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