I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
