there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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