I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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