I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
