i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I will be naked everywhere
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
