the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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