omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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