The best revenge is premature balding
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
