seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
