dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
