I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
