I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
