My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
