Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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