Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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