I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
