Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
