I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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