His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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