It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
