he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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