I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
