The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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