I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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