Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
